When we use the world wide web, be it email or social media, we put ourselves tat risk of unfair judgement.
Judgment can cause misunderstanding, and misunderstanding may cause a break in relationships.
Accepting that misunderstandings happens all the time, helps me cope with the inescapable judgment toward me. Within relationships, misunderstanding can occur very quickly and catch us unprepared.
Unfortunately, we don’t welcome being misunderstood, but it is part of life.
In this post, I offer suggestions for better coping when you are misunderstood and judged unfairly. And for those who are estranged from family, it will help you as well.
Sadly, I have experienced the pain of family engagement. So, what I offer here is what I have found helped me through some of the most hurtful times in my life.
The Christian Point of View
In his blog, Ryan Frederick points out to overcome being misunderstood. One must find one’s identity and security only in Christ. The following is a quote from his blog to help you get started with this idea.
“Christ understands you. He sees you from afar (Psalm 138:6), he designed and crafted you from within (Psalm 139:13–14), and he knows what it’s like to be human and to be tested (Hebrews 4:15). I hope this doesn’t roll off your back as a cliche.
You are known by God. This is the first point because the rest will flow from this. If you know who you are in Christ, you can proceed from that knowledge and his perspective. For example, insisting on “being right” isn’t important now. Maybe you just need to extend grace because your spouse, who has misunderstood you, might be unable to sort things out with you”.
Although Ryan refers to misunderstanding within marriage. It is also relevant across the broad spectrum of relationships.
As you know, I believe that holistic living as a Christian is the way to bring wholeness to your everyday living. Making Christ the centre of your life feeds your spirit. Your mind is calmed and brought hope and peace, and your body responds.
There have been times that I had shrunk away from God in times of turmoil until a wake-up call thought entered my head! And it went something like this….
……God says- you are rejecting me when things go wrong. This shows you are laying the blame squarely on me- isn’t that what others have done to you? So, why play the blame game- it gets you nowhere and will estrange you from me….
It certainly woke me up! I realised I felt sorry for myself and had to snap out of it.
So, what did I do next?
Forgiving (the holistic spirit)
After to received this essay from God, I decided to take action. I asked God to forgive me for withdrawing from his presence. I asked for forgiveness for any part that I played in the problem. I asked for wisdom (which I need tons of!) to work through the situation with grace, love, and kindness. This approach works to restore your relationship with God and also for the person who hurt you.
How to Apply Forgiveness
Ask the person to forgive you. I know you are not the one who caused the problem. But to offer yourself as a sacrifice in the situation may open up lines of communication. Here is a scripture that advises this action- HERE
Offer to discuss the problem; if they refuse to accept it, move on- Here is a scripture that advises this action- HERE.
Some people don’t want reconciliation because they want to keep playing out the drama.
We are powerless to change others’ perceptions of us. But what we can do is to reach ours in a temptation to reconcile. If they reject your reconciliation attempt, I ask God for the strength to let go and let God deal with them.
Occasionally, we need a reminder to ensure we apply forgiveness. It’s far too easy to react badly when we are hurting. Untamed emotions can cause our hearts to heaven. A heart refuses to reach out to forgive. Forgiveness applies to us as well. Forgive yourself. Forgive others.
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff (the holistic mind)
In 1 Corinthians 13, the “love chapter,” we have a list of love’s attributes. Included in the description of love are some things that love is not. Verse 5 says that ‘love keeps no record of wrongs.’ Or, as the Amplified Bible translates it, “It takes no account of the evil done to it; in other words?—?it pays no attention to a suffered wrong.”
If you forgive but keep the offence at the forefront, throwing back details into the person’s face, you have not forgiven. Let’s get real here; action follows forgiveness. Forgiveness is not only a mental acknowledgement but love in action. Take the example of Jesus dying on the cross to take your sin away. If you still hold a grid, then it’s clear that you have not forgiven! True forgiveness pays no mind; it doesn’t sweat the small stuff and keeps no record of wrongs.
Stop Digging Holes (the holistic body)
I am guilty of this, and the situation is always made worse.
I try to rescue the situation, and the more I try, the deeper the dark hole gets! Soon I dug so deep that I couldn’t see over the rim. I have buried myself in all the turmoil and hurt!
Sound familiar?
Well, if you are a rescuer or fixer, you can relate. But this is the best thing to do or even the right thing. We must learn when it’s time to quit. Surrender the situation to God. Leave the person who says you offended them to their emotions and choices.
It is time to cement that hole and not go there again. It’s time to take a breath of fresh air and start again. Accept when the situation cannot be rescued by you.
You have been judged unfairly. A misunderstanding has occurred. You have tried to reconcile, but it doesn’t work. So now leave it alone and pray for them.
If you wish to, leave the door open for the person who has misunderstood you. If they genuinely love you, they will want reconciliation as much as you.
The Agony of Family Estrangement
As I have shared here, I have experienced the agony of family estrangement. Families who fall out forever are more common than you think. For many people, family is the centrepiece of their life. It’s where we gain a massive aspect of our identity. Within our family, we find comfort and support, unconditional acceptance, and a sense of belonging. But for a variety of reasons, this is not always the case.
Estrangement may cause the family unit to become threatening. There is no longer a feeling of safety or nurture.
Social worker and academic Dr Kylie Agllias researched family estrangement and how it impacts our lives.
Dr Kylie Agllia’s research shows that one in 25 Australian adults has been estranged from their family at some time. Agllia points out family estrangements occur when trust, emotional intimacy, and solid values are broken down.
Family estrangement is the loss of affection and contact within a family. It needs to be clarified that it has yet to be discovered if estrangement is on the rise since it is a relatively young field of research.
The statistics are high in the UK, where I live. Research by Stand Alone, a UK charity supporting people estranged from relatives. Suggests that estrangement affects at least one in five British families.
One United States of America study showed that 2,000 mother-child pairs found that 10% of mothers were estranged from at least one adult child.
Another USA study found that more than 40% of participants had experienced family estrangement at some point. The study also showed that in certain groups, such as college students, estrangement may be almost as common as divorce.
Sound like an epidemic, doesn’t it?
The statics are similar across the world. It is a sad situation but one that is very real. If you have been misunderstood and estranged from your family, be assured that you are not alone, and there is a lot of help if you research and look for it.
Concentrate on People who Genuinely Care for You!
Those who love and care for you may not be your family. Friends are great because there is no history of offence with them. Unless you have grown up with them, you have a clean slate to build a solid relationship. Appreciate them and keep in contact regularly. I have lots of lovely friends. I appreciate the unique relationship I enjoy with each of them.
With each one, we talk about different things and enjoy different activities. The friendship develops around a common ground, which must be nurtured to grow.
Care For Yourself
Being misunderstood causes your inner gut to twist and turn to make you feel physically sick. This is your body reacting to your emotional mind. You must care for your body.
Don’t bash your body with alcohol or overload it with sugar or late nights out. Nurture and care for yourself with good food and passive exercise. Your body is the house your live is in, so love it!
When our life is in turmoil, we forget our personal needs. When upset, I tend to stop eating and work from sun up to sundown. However, I am learning to do things differently. I am learning to take a step back and rest. While resting, I can look at my situation objectively.
I look at my body like I look at my two dogs. They are helpless without me. Whether I feel like it or not, I must feed them, walk them, and stroke and groom them. I must provide a safe and enjoyable environment for them. I must love to make them feel safe and happy.
Do the same for your body. Whether you feel like it or not, provide a safe and enjoyable environment for yourself. Feed your body with natural foods. Exercise, groom, and care for it whether you like it or not?—?this is the only one you have!
Your emotions can make you sick if you do not care for your body. I use many tools to help me with this. Go to my website, to the blog menu and find posts there to help you.
If you want some ideas and tools to get relief from stress. Or you need to learn how to start your holistic journey. Check out my website posted below. Subscribe free to receive new tips as they come out.
I hope this post has been of help to you. I know you feel hurt, but accept that unfair judgment and misunderstanding can benefit us in the long run.
Commonly, misunderstanding may cause a breakdown of relationships. So, forgive and do what you can to reconcile. If reconciliation is impossible, pray for them and give them and yourself to God.
– Shalom
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I have worked internationally with over 40 years of experience, having a Bachelor of Pastoral Counselling and Theology and a Master of Arts in Counselling & Professional Development. BACP Life Coaching Certificate. I currently work as a Christian educator, blogger, author. I am a grandmother and live with my two dogs in Wales, UK.
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