Christians and unbelievers alike share a common problem of family estrangement.
If you are reading this and you are estranged from your family. It may be one or all of them, but I’m sorry that your family dislikes or hates you. They have cut you out of their life leaving you panicked and heart broken.
That is a challenging situation to be in. It’s important to remember that you are not alone and that there are things you can do.
The Stats
19% of people surveyed stated that they or another family member were no longer in contact. This indicates that family estrangement and its consequences will touch around 1 in 5 UK families. That implies that around 12 million family members may be affected by estrangement.
According to a survey conducted by Cornell University, 27% of adult Americans are estranged from a close family member12. The survey showed that most had a rift with an immediate family member, with 24% being estranged from a parent, 14% from a child, and 30% from siblings.
A CBS News/YouGov poll conducted in the summer of 2021 shows that 56% of Americans say they have been estranged from, or had a falling out with, a close family member for an extended period of time3. Over 43% of Americans have experienced family estrangement at some point.
According to a survey conducted by Relationships Australia in 2003, 17% of the 1,215 Australians who participated in the survey were estranged from at least one family member, most likely a sister or brother 12. However, this data is almost two decades old and may not be representative of the current situation.
A more recent article by ABC News states that family estrangement is a complex issue and that it is difficult to estimate the number of Australians who are estranged from a family member.
The article also mentions that some Australians make the difficult decision to cut off a family member, often for the rest of their lives.
See, You Are Not Alone?—?I See You
We Don’t Always Know Why
First and foremost, it’s essential to try to understand why your family doesn’t like you. Is it something specific you’ve done, or is it a more general feeling? Are there particular family members who don’t like you, or is it the entire family? Understanding the reasons behind their feelings can help you to address them more effectively.
This is sound advice. But of course, it is impossible to know why if they are not communicating with you. It is very common for your loved one not to give you any specific reason why they have cut themselves off from you. They usually avoid conversations, answer questions and make excuses to avoid contact. They use all kinds of avoidance measures, and maybe they don’t know exactly why they don’t want to see you.
What to Do If They Are Open to Discussion
It’s essential to try to communicate with your family calmly and respectfully. This is not easy, especially if there are strong emotions involved. Your heart may be broken, but it’s essential to remain calm and avoid becoming defensive or confrontational.
Ask your family members to share their feelings with you. Encourage them to be honest and open and try listening to their perspective without interrupting or becoming defensive (I know this is so hard).
No matter how difficult it is for you, this can help to build your empathy and understanding and may help to identify specific issues that you can both work on.
I know people who have done this and managed not to react, only to find that the family member accused them of being cold, detached and unfeeling. If your family member is determined to remain estranged, then no approach; nothing you can do will help in this case. Acceptance is the only option open to you.
Although Others aren’t -Be Kind to Yourself
It’s also important to be honest with yourself about your feelings. It is very painful to feel rejected by your family, but it’s important to remember that their feelings do not reflect your worth.
They could have a contorted opinion of you through their lack of information, misunderstanding or someone else’s influence. Whatever their motive, you must accept that you can’t change their minds. If you try, you may make the gap between you wider. So, stop digging!
Feeling hurt or upset is okay, but avoid becoming overwhelmed by negative emotions.
If you’re finding it challenging to communicate with your family, or if the situation feels too overwhelming to handle on your own, it may be helpful to seek support from a therapist or counsellor.
A therapist can provide a safe and non-judgmental space to explore your feelings and develop coping strategies.
Ultimately, it’s important to remember that you deserve to be loved and accepted for who you are, regardless of your family’s feelings. It may take time and effort to improve your relationship with your family, or you may never regain it. Having the support and love of those closest to you is worth it. So, accept the support and love offered to you, even if it’s not from your family. Value friends and reach out to them for new relationships.
In another Post, I will share tools that will help your recovery from the effects of estrangement?—?look out for that. If you subscribe, you will automatically be notified.
May God bless your heart. May you find healing, happiness and the grace of God in your life. See you in my next Post!
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I have worked internationally with over 40 years of experience, having a Bachelor of Pastoral Counselling and Theology and a Master of Arts in Counselling & Professional Development. BACP Life Coaching Certificate. I currently work as a Christian educator, blogger, author, and grandmother living with my two dogs in Wales, UK.
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